Ohio.

Dear, God.

No clever title just: Ohio. I feel like that is explanation enough.

It’s like how everyone talks about how horrible Florida is, except just as bad and less talking about it. This place is a living hell and I’m so excited to explain to you why, please stay tuned.

1. The Weather.
Yes, I know that everyone everywhere bitches about the weather within their area of residence but for the love of god, Ohio is the cesspool of weather bullshit. Here’s a basic layout of our weather forecasts in December: Monday: record breaking high of 90 haven’t seen it like this in 60 years. Tuesday: Hail storms with ice the size of a newborn child coming down, avoid staying outdoors today. Wednesday: Severe thunderstorms chances of being impaled by an uprooted tree. Thursday: Super lovely today high of 65 no clouds, sun shining, birds singing. Friday: A black hole has opened up in Columbus – I’m sure we’ll be fine. Saturday & Sunday: Don’t bother going outside ever again.

2. Too much or too little.
There is no happy ground in Ohio. Either you’re in the city or you’re in the middle of fucking no where. The city is full of morons, people who “need change for the bus”, moms in Wal-Mart dragging their children around by their leashes while riding around in their motorized scooter, or insane old broads with their three binders of coupons who need to speak to your manager about that dust particle in the aisle and if they could possibly win a lawsuit for having that allergen around. The east bufu is filled with billboards of Bible quotes and these terrifying little churches that make you consider the fact that if you break down you just might be sacrificed to some pig-god. I’ve also seen a few pretty cultish looking bonfires in my travels.

3. Potholes.
I can’t even express in words how horrific this is. We have entire roads and byways that have more potholes than actual road on them. Then they estimate it’ll take 10 years to fix a single road when you see those assholes fix a road in front of Krogers in a single week. This is unjust and annoying that when I need to go grab a coffee or pick up my cousin that I have to play frogger with the road or possibly end up completely broke down and leaving half my car in the road.

4. More churches than houses.
I’m not particularly religious if you can’t tell, but I do respect those who worship. What I cannot stand though is the fact when you drive down ANY road in Ohio, (I road trip often), you better not have to piss because I promise you that for every fifteen churches you see you’ll find one gas station and that gas station probably closed at nine. I just don’t understand why we need so many churches on a single stretch of road.
Church- Mickey D’s – Church – Krogers – Church – Church -Church – Church – School – Church – Gamestop – Church – Church – Church – Speedway.

5. Tattoos.
People who have “513” or the outline of the state anywhere on them; have you no shame.

 

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