The crippling realization that it’s just not going to work.

You know what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about celeb crushes and don’t you start getting all huffy at me because I’m about to lay down the truth.

You hear a song, the music has got some bangin’ riffs or the singers voice is the nectar of the gods or even the drum solo tssssed its’ way into your cold little heart.

Against your better judgement you decided to look them up. Oh god no, they can’t be talented and hot!? You delve further into the path of bad ideas paved with good intentions. For fucks sake, he runs a cruelty free clothing line or she volunteers at the homeless shelters on weekends!?

Great, now they fit into every one of your dreams and you are filled with hope and slight obsession. It’s okay, it happens. For me it’s phases but there are a few consistent ones, usually I sigh dreamily and think, “If only we had met twenty years ago” or “Maybe if they weren’t like dead for the last hundred years.”

Thanks to some of the more humble celebrities that fall in love at a diner or whatever Lifetime bullshit it is that magically graces them, we are stuck with all these ideas on if and how this could work. But let me tell you, I’m confident in the fact that it probably isn’t.

  1. Meeting said celebrity crush.
    Now, realistically to meet this crush you’d have to have some sort of job or association with whatever their career involves. Maybe you’re a manager of a venue where they could play or the assistant to a producer of a show. I hate to break it to you but being in the crowd and having one of them stare at you for five seconds isn’t their confession of love to you.
  2. The relationship. Expectation vs. Reality.
    Congrats. You’ve hypothetically made it into the relationship and somehow your crush is allowing you to be a part of their life. You need to understand that they’re human and they aren’t perfect or gods. They’re also not what you read about, they got their own shit going on. Especially if they tour or are on contract with a movie. They’re going to be gone a lot and that takes a lot of security in a relationship and chances are there isn’t. Basically, if you’re one of those people that say when they see a married actor kiss someone in a movie, “I would KILL him if he was my husband!” Then you have no business dating any celeb.
  3. Zero to Hero.
    Holy shit your life is upside down. Tabloids are going to want to know about the mystery partner to their celeb and bye bye privacy. Now, if you’re an introvert like myself this is the perfect example of a living hell. I would literally rather drink bleach than have someone take a photo of me stuffing my face with a waffle. Imagine all the assholes who want to pretend to be your friend now and all those family members who are like, “You were always my favorite.” Shut up Aunt Helen.
  4. The inevitable break-up.
    Alright so it’s not working out. The lifestyle was too much, their absences were absolute shit, the paps are all up in your business and you’re not even sure you’re dating the person you thought you wanted to. You guys break up and now you’re stuck with the “Ex” of “Blahblah” title for fucking ever. Your best case scenario is they forget about you entirely and for the love of god do not date another celebrity.
  5. The alternative ending.
    You run away together and get hitched and have lots of fur-babies. Or I guess real babies if you’re into that kind of thing.
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